The Old Man Boss on a Busy Sidewalk

Old man boss:  “Isn’t it a nice day out here?  That reminds me… you know my daughter?  Not the one who works here, but the crazy one?  What’s her name again?”

Me:  “Well, there’s a loaded question hidden in there.  You’re talking about Sherry.”

Old man boss:  “Yeah, that’s the one.  She’s upset because some kids have been throwing bricks at her car.  Can you sue them for her?  That sounds like fun to me.  Won’t that be a good time?”

Me:  “No.”

Old man boss:  “Yeah, that’s it, find a lawyer and go after them.  She said she called the cops but they didn’t do anything.”

Me:  “Let’s be honest.  We’ve all wanted to throw bricks at her or her car at some point in time.”

Old man boss:  “True, true, she drives me and her mother bananas, but…. STOP SWEARING AT ME!”

A group of young women passing us on the sidewalk all turn and glare at me.

Me:  “….um, what the crap was that?!  I wasn’t swearing at you!”

Old man boss:  (giggling)  “I know, but now they think you were.”

And people wonder why I am going crazy

Caller:  “I can’t find the building.  What does it look like?”

Me:  “It is a red brick building with green doors.”

Caller:  “Is it the yellow house?”

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Me:  “Do you have any landlord references?”

Caller:  “What is that?”

Me:  “Can you get a reference from someone you’ve rented an apartment from before?”

Caller:  “No.”

Me:  “How about an employer reference?”

Caller:  “What is that?”

Me:  “A job reference… Have you ever had a job?”

Caller:  “Um… not that I know of?”

Me:  “I don’t think I can help you.”

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Me:  “How many people will the apartment be for?”

Caller:  “One, as far as I know.”

Me:  “Oh… are you calling on the behalf of someone else?”

Caller:  “No.”

********************

Caller:  “I’m calling you back with my old landlord’s phone number…. here it is….555-555-987.”

Me:  “That’s not enough numbers.  Can you read it again?”

Caller:  “Oh.. 555-555-987…  I guess I’m missing a digit.  Let me call her and find out what it is.”

Calls that aren’t meant for me

Me:  “Hello, Northeast Rentals.”

Woman on phone:  “Hello?  Is this U.S. Cellular?”

Me:  “No, it is not.  You must have the wrong number.”

Caller:  “Oh, sorry about that.”

Me:  “That’s ok.  Have a nice day.   Bye.”

(Three seconds later.)

Me:  “Hello, Northeast Rentals.”

Same woman on phone:  “Is this U.S. Cellular?”

Me:  “No…. This is still Northeast Rentals.”

Woman:  “Is this 555-4430?”

Me:  “Yes, it is, but we’re not U.S. Cellular.  You must have the wrong number.”

Woman:  “Oh, sorry.  Thank you.”

(A minute later)

Me:  “Hello, Northeast Rentals.”

Same woman:  “I called 411 and they said this is the number for U.S. Cellular.  Is this U.S. Cellular?”

Me:  “No ma’m, this is not U.S. Cellular.  You still have the wrong number.”

Woman:  “Then why did 411 give me this number?!”

Me:  “I can’t answer that question.  All I can say is that we’ve had this number since before the existence of cell phones.  If 411 gave you this number, they were mistaken.”

Woman:  “Are you sure?”

Me:  “….”

Woman:  “I’m calling 411 back.”

Me:  “Yes, that is a good idea.”

(I then also called 411.  Although similar, I verified that my number and the local U.S. Cellular store phone were not the same.)

**********************

Me:  “Hello, Northeast Rentals.”

Caller:  “I’d like to request a prayer.”

Me:  “…. What?”

Caller:  “I’m calling in a prayer request.”

Me:  “Umm… this is an apartment rental company.  I think you misdialed.”

Caller:  “I’m sorry… the church newsletter has this number printed for the prayer hotline.”

**Turns out a church actually DID print my office number in that week’s newsletter.  Only one parishioner called all week.**

Muses with the Old Man

Old man boss:  “I got rid of all my belts and bought a whole bunch of suspenders!  They are so comfortable, you just attach them to the pants like ‘clip clip’ and they stay up!  No fuss!  Look!  What do you think?”

(He opens up his sports jackets to reveal the suspenders.)

Me:  “They look very nice, but I think that wearing them does not excuse you from zipping and buttoning up your pants.  You need to take care of that before you go back out into public.”

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Old man boss:  “I need to call those people about getting my money for the furniture they sold for me.  They were supposed to call me and haven’t yet.”

Me:  “That’s a good idea, they took the furniture almost six months ago.  Why don’t you go upstairs to your office to make the call?”

Old man boss:  “I can do that, but I don’t know their phone number.”

Me:  “We can look that up.  What is the name of the business?”

Old man boss:  “I don’t know.  There might be a guy there named Joe.”

Me:  “Um… can you tell me where they are located?  Maybe a street name?”

Old man boss:  “Yes…. the place was on a street that runs next to one of the big streets through town.”

Me:  “It’s a bit of a big town, sir… let me see your wallet.  Maybe they gave you a business card…… Hmmm, there’s nothing in here that is helpful.”

Old man boss:  “I counted all my money.  If there’s any missing, I’ll know you took it.”

Me:  “No you didn’t and I didn’t, so we’re even.  Is there any chance that there’s information on your desk about the place?”

Old man boss:  “I dunno.  Go look.”

Me:  “Ok….  no, there’s nothing up here, either.”

Old man boss:  “Well, I guess I’m done working for the day.  Give me a yell on my phone when you find their number.”

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Old man boss:  “Do you know any swear words?”

Me:  “Yes, sir, I do.”

Old man boss:  “Oh.  Do you ever say them?”

Me:  “Yes, I do.”

Old man boss:  “But not here, right?”

Me:  “Usually not, but sometimes it can’t be prevented.”

Old man boss:  “Oh.  Well, I guess that’s ok.”

Me:  “Besides, I only use the swear words that you taught me.”

Old man boss:   “I know swear words?  I guess so… I don’t say them that much, but none of us are the angels we used to be.  You know, back when I was a young mutt, we couldn’t have sex until after marriage -”

Me:  “And we’re done here.  Coffee break time.”

Family Love

Old man boss:  “Hiiii!  It’s me!  So, the reason that I’m calling is that it is my daughter’s birthday and she won’t get off my back about it.  What I need you to do is write out a check and drop it off to her today.”

Me:  “Ok… you just want me to hand her a check?  Do you want it in a birthday card?”

Old man boss:  “Oh yeah, that’s a good idea.  Find a nice card and write ‘Happy Birthday’ and then sign it “Love, Dave and Jill”

Me:  “You want me to sign your daughter’s birthday card with your names.”

Old man boss:  “Write ‘LOVE’ and then sign our names.”

Me:  “Ok… here’s one from the cards we keep here.  It says, ‘Wishing you the most sincere best on your special day.’  Then I will write ‘Happy Birthday’ and then forge your names underneath.”

Old man boss:  “Perfect.”

Me:  “You’re sure about that?”

Old man boss:  “Wait, wait wait wait… have you signed my name yet?”

Me:  “No.”

Old man boss:  “I had a thought.  Maybe you should sign it ‘Love, Mom and Dad.'”

Me:  “Yeah, forging your signature as ‘Mom and Dad’ does seem more sincere.”

Seriously people….

Caller:  “I was told that I need to call before my appointment, but the number you gave me to call doesn’t work.”

Me:  “My phone number doesn’t work?”

Caller:  “Yeah.”

Me:  “You’re calling me to say that you can’t call me.”

Caller:  “Um…”

Me:  “Nevermind.”

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Caller:  “I’m calling to confirm my 3:00 appointment.”

Me:  “Ok… yes, 3:00 at 85 Wall Street.  She will meet you at the apartment building then.”

Caller:  “What time can I see the apartment?”

Me:  “…The appointment is at 3:00.  She’ll be there at 3:00.  Are you still able to be there at that time?”

Caller:  “I can go there now and call when I get there.”

Me:  “No.  We made the appointment for 3:00.  Will you be there at 3:00 or not?”

Caller:  “Oh, I guess so.”

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Caller:  “I’m supposed to see the place at 62 Park Street at 10:30.”

Me:  “We don’t actually have an apartment at 62 Park Street.  We have one at 62 Key Street that we are showing at 10:30.”

Caller:  “Whatever, it’s the same thing.”

Me:  “Yes, except for the part where they are completely different.  Will you be there at 10:30?”

Caller:  “Yeah, I’m going.  When I get to the street, do I take a right or a left?”

Me:  “That depends on where you are.  Just look for the building that has 62 written on it.”

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Social worker on phone:  “I called earlier and was told that my client doesn’t qualify for an apartment because she has an eviction on record.  However, she is here now and she is telling me that she has never been evicted.  Where are you getting your information?  You need to disclose your source when you are making decisions based on false information.”

Me:  “Hold on one moment.  I did not speak to you earlier.  Let me pull out the application that we have….”

Social worker:  “I want to get this straightened out immediately.”

Me:  “I understand…. ok, here it is.  On the application we ask the question, ‘Have you ever been evicted?’ and your client wrote ‘Yes.’  That appears to be our source.”

Social worker:  “Oh.”

**********************************************

Caller:  “We have the appointment at 2:00 and you said the address is 9 Washington Street, but there’s no 9 Washington Street.  The apartment must be on 9 Washington Ave.  You have to call the woman showing the apartment to say we’ll be late because you got the address wrong.”

Me:  “No, the apartment is at 9 Washington Street.  If you go to Washington Ave, you will be in the wrong place.”

Caller:  “Well, I don’t see a number 9.  You got the building number wrong.”

Me:  “Wow.  Are you for real?”

Holidays with the Old Man Boss

The old man boss always insists that I sit next to him during the company Christmas party…

Old man boss: (dropping ice cubes into his martini) “I can drink as much I want tonight because my daughter is driving me.  I’m not a bad drunk driver though.  You know, I’ve only been in one car accident in my whole life and it was my wife’s fault.”

Me:  (holding the large glass of whiskey that apparently qualifies as a shot in New England) “I know that nothing that you just said is true, but let’s hear the story of that accident.”

Old man boss:  “It was back when we lived in Boston and my wife lived on this one way street before we were married.  Back then, you couldn’t have sex before you were married so we just did a lot of heavy petting…”

Me:  “You’re providing too much information and still not explaining how a car accident was your wife’s fault.”

Old man boss:  “It’s not like now where you women can have sex whenever you want.  People were all grumpy about it back then.”

Me:  “Still going way off track…”

Old man boss:  “Oh yeah, so I’m driving down this one way street that she lived on, trying to figure out which house was hers…”

Me:  “Why does it sound like she wasn’t in the car?”

Old man boss:  “She wasn’t.  She was in one of the houses there, and I couldn’t figure out which one it was.  Some creep was double parked halfway up and I didn’t see him and suddenly ‘clunk’ and well….”

Me:  “You’re saying that the car accident that was your wife’s fault happened when she wasn’t even in the vehicle.”

Old man boss:  “Maybe.  I’m running out of ice to add to my drink.  I like to add my own cubes to make it last longer.  Are you using the ice in your glass?”

Me:  “They’re kind of surrounded by liquid right now… nevermind, all yours.  Hand me a spoon.”

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Back at the office

Old man boss:  (walks in with a plastic grocery bag)  “I’ve brought you gifts!”

Me:  “That’s nice of you.  What do you have there?”

Old man boss:  (drops the bag on my desk) “I don’t want my ice cream, so I cleaned out the freezer and thought you might like it.”

Me:  (opening bag and removing pints of ice cream)  “Thanks, sir.  Since I am lactose intolerant, I see it as a personal kindness that you ate some out of each container before giving them to me.”

Old man boss:  “That’s right.  What’s lactose intolerant mean?”

Me:  “It means I’m unable to speak French.  This is a very nice gift, but the office is still open for another five hours and we don’t have a freezer here.  Can you take it back home for a little while or give it to someone with a freezer?”

Old man boss:  “Nope, can’t do that.  I’ve got important work to do today.”

Me:  “And what’s that?”

Old man boss:  “I’ve got to go home and put up Christmas lights.”

Me:  “At home.”

Old man boss:  “Yep.”

Me:  “Where there’s a freezer.”

Old man boss:  “Yep.”

Me:  “And you can’t take these with you for a little while?”

Old man boss:  “Nope.”

Me:  “Fine.  We’ve got straws here.”