Muses with the Old Man

Old man boss:  “I got rid of all my belts and bought a whole bunch of suspenders!  They are so comfortable, you just attach them to the pants like ‘clip clip’ and they stay up!  No fuss!  Look!  What do you think?”

(He opens up his sports jackets to reveal the suspenders.)

Me:  “They look very nice, but I think that wearing them does not excuse you from zipping and buttoning up your pants.  You need to take care of that before you go back out into public.”

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Old man boss:  “I need to call those people about getting my money for the furniture they sold for me.  They were supposed to call me and haven’t yet.”

Me:  “That’s a good idea, they took the furniture almost six months ago.  Why don’t you go upstairs to your office to make the call?”

Old man boss:  “I can do that, but I don’t know their phone number.”

Me:  “We can look that up.  What is the name of the business?”

Old man boss:  “I don’t know.  There might be a guy there named Joe.”

Me:  “Um… can you tell me where they are located?  Maybe a street name?”

Old man boss:  “Yes…. the place was on a street that runs next to one of the big streets through town.”

Me:  “It’s a bit of a big town, sir… let me see your wallet.  Maybe they gave you a business card…… Hmmm, there’s nothing in here that is helpful.”

Old man boss:  “I counted all my money.  If there’s any missing, I’ll know you took it.”

Me:  “No you didn’t and I didn’t, so we’re even.  Is there any chance that there’s information on your desk about the place?”

Old man boss:  “I dunno.  Go look.”

Me:  “Ok….  no, there’s nothing up here, either.”

Old man boss:  “Well, I guess I’m done working for the day.  Give me a yell on my phone when you find their number.”

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Old man boss:  “Do you know any swear words?”

Me:  “Yes, sir, I do.”

Old man boss:  “Oh.  Do you ever say them?”

Me:  “Yes, I do.”

Old man boss:  “But not here, right?”

Me:  “Usually not, but sometimes it can’t be prevented.”

Old man boss:  “Oh.  Well, I guess that’s ok.”

Me:  “Besides, I only use the swear words that you taught me.”

Old man boss:   “I know swear words?  I guess so… I don’t say them that much, but none of us are the angels we used to be.  You know, back when I was a young mutt, we couldn’t have sex until after marriage -”

Me:  “And we’re done here.  Coffee break time.”

Family Love

Old man boss:  “Hiiii!  It’s me!  So, the reason that I’m calling is that it is my daughter’s birthday and she won’t get off my back about it.  What I need you to do is write out a check and drop it off to her today.”

Me:  “Ok… you just want me to hand her a check?  Do you want it in a birthday card?”

Old man boss:  “Oh yeah, that’s a good idea.  Find a nice card and write ‘Happy Birthday’ and then sign it “Love, Dave and Jill”

Me:  “You want me to sign your daughter’s birthday card with your names.”

Old man boss:  “Write ‘LOVE’ and then sign our names.”

Me:  “Ok… here’s one from the cards we keep here.  It says, ‘Wishing you the most sincere best on your special day.’  Then I will write ‘Happy Birthday’ and then forge your names underneath.”

Old man boss:  “Perfect.”

Me:  “You’re sure about that?”

Old man boss:  “Wait, wait wait wait… have you signed my name yet?”

Me:  “No.”

Old man boss:  “I had a thought.  Maybe you should sign it ‘Love, Mom and Dad.'”

Me:  “Yeah, forging your signature as ‘Mom and Dad’ does seem more sincere.”

Seriously people….

Caller:  “I was told that I need to call before my appointment, but the number you gave me to call doesn’t work.”

Me:  “My phone number doesn’t work?”

Caller:  “Yeah.”

Me:  “You’re calling me to say that you can’t call me.”

Caller:  “Um…”

Me:  “Nevermind.”

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Caller:  “I’m calling to confirm my 3:00 appointment.”

Me:  “Ok… yes, 3:00 at 85 Wall Street.  She will meet you at the apartment building then.”

Caller:  “What time can I see the apartment?”

Me:  “…The appointment is at 3:00.  She’ll be there at 3:00.  Are you still able to be there at that time?”

Caller:  “I can go there now and call when I get there.”

Me:  “No.  We made the appointment for 3:00.  Will you be there at 3:00 or not?”

Caller:  “Oh, I guess so.”

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Caller:  “I’m supposed to see the place at 62 Park Street at 10:30.”

Me:  “We don’t actually have an apartment at 62 Park Street.  We have one at 62 Key Street that we are showing at 10:30.”

Caller:  “Whatever, it’s the same thing.”

Me:  “Yes, except for the part where they are completely different.  Will you be there at 10:30?”

Caller:  “Yeah, I’m going.  When I get to the street, do I take a right or a left?”

Me:  “That depends on where you are.  Just look for the building that has 62 written on it.”

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Social worker on phone:  “I called earlier and was told that my client doesn’t qualify for an apartment because she has an eviction on record.  However, she is here now and she is telling me that she has never been evicted.  Where are you getting your information?  You need to disclose your source when you are making decisions based on false information.”

Me:  “Hold on one moment.  I did not speak to you earlier.  Let me pull out the application that we have….”

Social worker:  “I want to get this straightened out immediately.”

Me:  “I understand…. ok, here it is.  On the application we ask the question, ‘Have you ever been evicted?’ and your client wrote ‘Yes.’  That appears to be our source.”

Social worker:  “Oh.”

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Caller:  “We have the appointment at 2:00 and you said the address is 9 Washington Street, but there’s no 9 Washington Street.  The apartment must be on 9 Washington Ave.  You have to call the woman showing the apartment to say we’ll be late because you got the address wrong.”

Me:  “No, the apartment is at 9 Washington Street.  If you go to Washington Ave, you will be in the wrong place.”

Caller:  “Well, I don’t see a number 9.  You got the building number wrong.”

Me:  “Wow.  Are you for real?”

Holidays with the Old Man Boss

The old man boss always insists that I sit next to him during the company Christmas party…

Old man boss: (dropping ice cubes into his martini) “I can drink as much I want tonight because my daughter is driving me.  I’m not a bad drunk driver though.  You know, I’ve only been in one car accident in my whole life and it was my wife’s fault.”

Me:  (holding the large glass of whiskey that apparently qualifies as a shot in New England) “I know that nothing that you just said is true, but let’s hear the story of that accident.”

Old man boss:  “It was back when we lived in Boston and my wife lived on this one way street before we were married.  Back then, you couldn’t have sex before you were married so we just did a lot of heavy petting…”

Me:  “You’re providing too much information and still not explaining how a car accident was your wife’s fault.”

Old man boss:  “It’s not like now where you women can have sex whenever you want.  People were all grumpy about it back then.”

Me:  “Still going way off track…”

Old man boss:  “Oh yeah, so I’m driving down this one way street that she lived on, trying to figure out which house was hers…”

Me:  “Why does it sound like she wasn’t in the car?”

Old man boss:  “She wasn’t.  She was in one of the houses there, and I couldn’t figure out which one it was.  Some creep was double parked halfway up and I didn’t see him and suddenly ‘clunk’ and well….”

Me:  “You’re saying that the car accident that was your wife’s fault happened when she wasn’t even in the vehicle.”

Old man boss:  “Maybe.  I’m running out of ice to add to my drink.  I like to add my own cubes to make it last longer.  Are you using the ice in your glass?”

Me:  “They’re kind of surrounded by liquid right now… nevermind, all yours.  Hand me a spoon.”

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Back at the office

Old man boss:  (walks in with a plastic grocery bag)  “I’ve brought you gifts!”

Me:  “That’s nice of you.  What do you have there?”

Old man boss:  (drops the bag on my desk) “I don’t want my ice cream, so I cleaned out the freezer and thought you might like it.”

Me:  (opening bag and removing pints of ice cream)  “Thanks, sir.  Since I am lactose intolerant, I see it as a personal kindness that you ate some out of each container before giving them to me.”

Old man boss:  “That’s right.  What’s lactose intolerant mean?”

Me:  “It means I’m unable to speak French.  This is a very nice gift, but the office is still open for another five hours and we don’t have a freezer here.  Can you take it back home for a little while or give it to someone with a freezer?”

Old man boss:  “Nope, can’t do that.  I’ve got important work to do today.”

Me:  “And what’s that?”

Old man boss:  “I’ve got to go home and put up Christmas lights.”

Me:  “At home.”

Old man boss:  “Yep.”

Me:  “Where there’s a freezer.”

Old man boss:  “Yep.”

Me:  “And you can’t take these with you for a little while?”

Old man boss:  “Nope.”

Me:  “Fine.  We’ve got straws here.”

How Not To Rent An Apartment Over The Phone

Me:  “What day can you look at apartments?”

Woman:  “I’m separated from my husband.”

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Man:  “I hope it’s not an issue that I’m being evicted.  I pay on time, I don’t know why this guy is kicking me out…”

Me:  “Actually, that is a problem because-”

Man:  “Fuck you.”

Me:  “I think I just figured out why you’re being evicted.”

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Me:  “Which address are you interested in?”

Man:  “Ah, fuck, what was it again?”

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Me:  “How many people is the apartment for?”

Man:  “Two people.   And a kid.”

Me:  “That’s three people.”

Man:  “Um, yeah, I guess so.”

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Me:  “You can see the apartment tomorrow at either 10:00 or 3:30.  Which time can you do?”

Woman:  “10:30.”

Me:  “No, the choices are 10:00 or 3:30.  Do you want to do the 10:00 appointment?”

Woman:  “Ok, that is good.”

Me:  “Ok, we’ll meet you there at 10:00 tomorrow.”

Woman:  “So at 10:30, we’ll meet at the apartment or at your office?”

Me:  “The appointment is at 10:00 at the apartment.”

Woman:  “Ok, I’ll call if anything changes, but otherwise I’ll see you tomorrow at 10:30.”

Me:  “NO, not 10:30, at 10:00.  The appointment is at 10:00.”

Woman:  “10:00?  I don’t think I can do that.”

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Man:  “I have no references.  Why do you need references?”

Me:  “We need to talk to someone who can verify that you will take care of the apartment and be respectful of the other tenants.”

Man:  “Well, you and all the other landlords in town are doing a good job at keeping people homeless.  I hope you enjoy your wonderful, money filled life.”

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Me:  “When do you need to move?”

Man:  “I got stabbed four years ago and am now blind.”

Me:  “Ok then…. so when do you need to move?”

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Man:  “Is it a problem that I’m a felon?”

Me:  “Yes, that is a problem.  A felony conviction will disqualify you.”

Man:  “Oh.  You know, my girlfriend might not be a felon… hold on…”  (holds phone away from his mouth as he yells to his girlfriend)  “Hey, Amanda!  Hey!  Yeah, are you a felon?  No?  Ok…..”  (speaks into phone again)  “Hey, are you still there?”

Me:  “Yes, yes I am.”

Man:  “Turns out my girlfriend isn’t a felon, so she’s going to fill out the application.”

Me:  “Sorry, sir, but I cannot allow that.  You already told me the apartment is for both of you and I cannot allow you to live there.”

Man:  “No, you can’t do that.  She will get her own apartment at your place and I’ll get an apartment somewhere else.”

Me:  “No.  You started this call with the intention of living together and now, minutes later, you want two separate apartments.  This sudden change makes me suspicious, so no, I will not allow her to apply because you will most likely end up living there with her.”

Man:  “That’s discrimination.  You can’t discriminate against me for being a felon.”

Me:  “Actually, I can.”

Man:  “No, you’re discriminating.  I have rights, too, and you have to take my application.”

Me:  “Not true, and I have to go now.”

Man:  “Yeah, you can go fuck yourself.”

Me:  “Congratulations on such an original insult, sir.  Have a nice day.”

Don’t Make Me Answer the Phone. Please.

Old lady on phone:  “Do you people own a building at 343 Willow Street?”

Me:  “Yes, that is our building.”

Old lady:  “How long have you owned that building?”

Me:  “I don’t know exactly offhand, but it has been a long time.  Is there something I can help you with?”

Old lady:  “You people are the owners, right?  You don’t just manage the place?”

Me:  “Yes, we own the building.  Is there something you need?”

Old lady:  “I have this old card that says the store Forget Me Not is located there, but I don’t think it’s there anymore.  Do you know where it is now?”

Me:  “I’m sorry, but I have never heard of that business.”

Old lady:  “They did stripping there.”

Me:  “…..”

Old lady:  “Stripping, like furniture and such.”

Me:  “Oh, that makes more sense…”

Old lady:  “Is that store still there?”

Me:  “I’m sorry, but I have worked here for almost ten years, and I have never heard of that business.”

Old lady:  “How can I find it, then?  Do you need a license from the town to do stripping?”

Me:  “Probably depends on the type of stripping.”

Old lady:  “How about above the stores?  Are there more businesses upstairs at that building?”

Me:  “No, the upper levels are all apartments.”

Old lady:  “I suppose anyone can run a stripping business out of an apartment these days.  How can I find out if the business is there?  Do you have records?  Will the state have files about it?”

Me:  “We don’t have tenant records that go that far back and I have no knowledge of any stripping business currently being run out of an apartment there.  I’m sorry.”

Old lady:  “So what do I do?  How will I find it if you don’t know where it is?”

Me:  “I recommend doing an internet search for stripping.”

Old lady:  “On the computer?  If you don’t have record of it, how would the internet know about it?  Does the internet keep files longer than you do?”

Me:  “I… it…”

Old lady:  “The internet is probably required to keep files for at least ten years.  You said the business was there ten years ago, and you’ve owned the building for sixteen years, right?”

Me:  “No, I didn’t say any of that.  Maybe you can find someone else to help you search the internet.”

Old lady:  “But what if the internet already threw the files away?  What do I do then?”

Me:  “I have to go now.”

The Return of the Old Man Boss

Old man boss (on phone):  “I’m super busy today.  I have to take all my papers to a new doctor and sign stuff saying that they can work on me.”

Me:  “This is the first that I’ve heard of you changing doctors.  What’s that all about?”

Old man boss:  “It’s because I’m anti-female.”

Me:  “Sir, you may want to rethink that statement considering your current audience.”

Old man boss:  “No, I’m anti-female.  I don’t like having to drop my shorts in front of a lady doctor, then watching her go blank face as she pokes me down there.”

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Old man boss (on phone):  “Hiii!  It’s me!   Guess what I got this weekend?…”

Me:  “Herpes?”

Old man boss:  “…I got an iPad!  My godson came into town and we went out to Africa…”

Me:  “Apple store.”

Old man boss:  “..and he showed me which one to buy.  Then we went home and he said, ‘Here’s what you can do with it,’ and hit a bunch of stuff on the screen, but I don’t remember any of it, so now I have to go back to Africa…”

Me:  “Apple store.”

Old man boss:  “…and have them show me what to do.  I think Africa…”

Me:  “Apple store.”

Old man boss:  “…is in the mall.  Do you know if that’s where Africa… wait, not Africa.  What’s the place called?”

Me:  “Apple store.”

Old man boss:  “No, that’s not it.  Africa sounds right.”