Category Archives: Work

Crisis

Boss lady walks into the office….

Me:  “Welcome back from your walk.  What’s up?  No crises out there?”

Boss lady (eyes huge):  “I did find a crisis.  The gate to the dumpster at the Wall Street building won’t open.”

Me:  “I’m not sure that fits the definition of crisis.  Not good, but crisis seems a bit overdone.”

Boss lady:  “It IS a crisis.  People won’t be able to throw their trash away.  I’m calling maintenance before trash starts building up at the door.”

Boss lady on maintenance radio:  “Hi, Carl?  The trash gate door won’t open at Wall Street.  I pushed with both hands and couldn’t get it to budge at all.  Can you go up there right away and fix it?”

Carl on radio:  “Yep, can do, but I can tell you right now that it won’t open no matter how many hands you use to push it since it is a pull door.”

Boss lady on radio:  “….. Oh…. um…. it may be all set then.  Thanks.”

And people wonder why I am going crazy

Caller:  “I can’t find the building.  What does it look like?”

Me:  “It is a red brick building with green doors.”

Caller:  “Is it the yellow house?”

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Me:  “Do you have any landlord references?”

Caller:  “What is that?”

Me:  “Can you get a reference from someone you’ve rented an apartment from before?”

Caller:  “No.”

Me:  “How about an employer reference?”

Caller:  “What is that?”

Me:  “A job reference… Have you ever had a job?”

Caller:  “Um… not that I know of?”

Me:  “I don’t think I can help you.”

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Me:  “How many people will the apartment be for?”

Caller:  “One, as far as I know.”

Me:  “Oh… are you calling on the behalf of someone else?”

Caller:  “No.”

********************

Caller:  “I’m calling you back with my old landlord’s phone number…. here it is….555-555-987.”

Me:  “That’s not enough numbers.  Can you read it again?”

Caller:  “Oh.. 555-555-987…  I guess I’m missing a digit.  Let me call her and find out what it is.”

Calls that aren’t meant for me

Me:  “Hello, Northeast Rentals.”

Woman on phone:  “Hello?  Is this U.S. Cellular?”

Me:  “No, it is not.  You must have the wrong number.”

Caller:  “Oh, sorry about that.”

Me:  “That’s ok.  Have a nice day.   Bye.”

(Three seconds later.)

Me:  “Hello, Northeast Rentals.”

Same woman on phone:  “Is this U.S. Cellular?”

Me:  “No…. This is still Northeast Rentals.”

Woman:  “Is this 555-4430?”

Me:  “Yes, it is, but we’re not U.S. Cellular.  You must have the wrong number.”

Woman:  “Oh, sorry.  Thank you.”

(A minute later)

Me:  “Hello, Northeast Rentals.”

Same woman:  “I called 411 and they said this is the number for U.S. Cellular.  Is this U.S. Cellular?”

Me:  “No ma’m, this is not U.S. Cellular.  You still have the wrong number.”

Woman:  “Then why did 411 give me this number?!”

Me:  “I can’t answer that question.  All I can say is that we’ve had this number since before the existence of cell phones.  If 411 gave you this number, they were mistaken.”

Woman:  “Are you sure?”

Me:  “….”

Woman:  “I’m calling 411 back.”

Me:  “Yes, that is a good idea.”

(I then also called 411.  Although similar, I verified that my number and the local U.S. Cellular store phone were not the same.)

**********************

Me:  “Hello, Northeast Rentals.”

Caller:  “I’d like to request a prayer.”

Me:  “…. What?”

Caller:  “I’m calling in a prayer request.”

Me:  “Umm… this is an apartment rental company.  I think you misdialed.”

Caller:  “I’m sorry… the church newsletter has this number printed for the prayer hotline.”

**Turns out a church actually DID print my office number in that week’s newsletter.  Only one parishioner called all week.**

Muses with the Old Man

Old man boss:  “I got rid of all my belts and bought a whole bunch of suspenders!  They are so comfortable, you just attach them to the pants like ‘clip clip’ and they stay up!  No fuss!  Look!  What do you think?”

(He opens up his sports jackets to reveal the suspenders.)

Me:  “They look very nice, but I think that wearing them does not excuse you from zipping and buttoning up your pants.  You need to take care of that before you go back out into public.”

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Old man boss:  “I need to call those people about getting my money for the furniture they sold for me.  They were supposed to call me and haven’t yet.”

Me:  “That’s a good idea, they took the furniture almost six months ago.  Why don’t you go upstairs to your office to make the call?”

Old man boss:  “I can do that, but I don’t know their phone number.”

Me:  “We can look that up.  What is the name of the business?”

Old man boss:  “I don’t know.  There might be a guy there named Joe.”

Me:  “Um… can you tell me where they are located?  Maybe a street name?”

Old man boss:  “Yes…. the place was on a street that runs next to one of the big streets through town.”

Me:  “It’s a bit of a big town, sir… let me see your wallet.  Maybe they gave you a business card…… Hmmm, there’s nothing in here that is helpful.”

Old man boss:  “I counted all my money.  If there’s any missing, I’ll know you took it.”

Me:  “No you didn’t and I didn’t, so we’re even.  Is there any chance that there’s information on your desk about the place?”

Old man boss:  “I dunno.  Go look.”

Me:  “Ok….  no, there’s nothing up here, either.”

Old man boss:  “Well, I guess I’m done working for the day.  Give me a yell on my phone when you find their number.”

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Old man boss:  “Do you know any swear words?”

Me:  “Yes, sir, I do.”

Old man boss:  “Oh.  Do you ever say them?”

Me:  “Yes, I do.”

Old man boss:  “But not here, right?”

Me:  “Usually not, but sometimes it can’t be prevented.”

Old man boss:  “Oh.  Well, I guess that’s ok.”

Me:  “Besides, I only use the swear words that you taught me.”

Old man boss:   “I know swear words?  I guess so… I don’t say them that much, but none of us are the angels we used to be.  You know, back when I was a young mutt, we couldn’t have sex until after marriage -”

Me:  “And we’re done here.  Coffee break time.”

Seriously people….

Caller:  “I was told that I need to call before my appointment, but the number you gave me to call doesn’t work.”

Me:  “My phone number doesn’t work?”

Caller:  “Yeah.”

Me:  “You’re calling me to say that you can’t call me.”

Caller:  “Um…”

Me:  “Nevermind.”

*************************************

Caller:  “I’m calling to confirm my 3:00 appointment.”

Me:  “Ok… yes, 3:00 at 85 Wall Street.  She will meet you at the apartment building then.”

Caller:  “What time can I see the apartment?”

Me:  “…The appointment is at 3:00.  She’ll be there at 3:00.  Are you still able to be there at that time?”

Caller:  “I can go there now and call when I get there.”

Me:  “No.  We made the appointment for 3:00.  Will you be there at 3:00 or not?”

Caller:  “Oh, I guess so.”

********************************************

Caller:  “I’m supposed to see the place at 62 Park Street at 10:30.”

Me:  “We don’t actually have an apartment at 62 Park Street.  We have one at 62 Key Street that we are showing at 10:30.”

Caller:  “Whatever, it’s the same thing.”

Me:  “Yes, except for the part where they are completely different.  Will you be there at 10:30?”

Caller:  “Yeah, I’m going.  When I get to the street, do I take a right or a left?”

Me:  “That depends on where you are.  Just look for the building that has 62 written on it.”

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Social worker on phone:  “I called earlier and was told that my client doesn’t qualify for an apartment because she has an eviction on record.  However, she is here now and she is telling me that she has never been evicted.  Where are you getting your information?  You need to disclose your source when you are making decisions based on false information.”

Me:  “Hold on one moment.  I did not speak to you earlier.  Let me pull out the application that we have….”

Social worker:  “I want to get this straightened out immediately.”

Me:  “I understand…. ok, here it is.  On the application we ask the question, ‘Have you ever been evicted?’ and your client wrote ‘Yes.’  That appears to be our source.”

Social worker:  “Oh.”

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Caller:  “We have the appointment at 2:00 and you said the address is 9 Washington Street, but there’s no 9 Washington Street.  The apartment must be on 9 Washington Ave.  You have to call the woman showing the apartment to say we’ll be late because you got the address wrong.”

Me:  “No, the apartment is at 9 Washington Street.  If you go to Washington Ave, you will be in the wrong place.”

Caller:  “Well, I don’t see a number 9.  You got the building number wrong.”

Me:  “Wow.  Are you for real?”

Holidays with the Old Man Boss

The old man boss always insists that I sit next to him during the company Christmas party…

Old man boss: (dropping ice cubes into his martini) “I can drink as much I want tonight because my daughter is driving me.  I’m not a bad drunk driver though.  You know, I’ve only been in one car accident in my whole life and it was my wife’s fault.”

Me:  (holding the large glass of whiskey that apparently qualifies as a shot in New England) “I know that nothing that you just said is true, but let’s hear the story of that accident.”

Old man boss:  “It was back when we lived in Boston and my wife lived on this one way street before we were married.  Back then, you couldn’t have sex before you were married so we just did a lot of heavy petting…”

Me:  “You’re providing too much information and still not explaining how a car accident was your wife’s fault.”

Old man boss:  “It’s not like now where you women can have sex whenever you want.  People were all grumpy about it back then.”

Me:  “Still going way off track…”

Old man boss:  “Oh yeah, so I’m driving down this one way street that she lived on, trying to figure out which house was hers…”

Me:  “Why does it sound like she wasn’t in the car?”

Old man boss:  “She wasn’t.  She was in one of the houses there, and I couldn’t figure out which one it was.  Some creep was double parked halfway up and I didn’t see him and suddenly ‘clunk’ and well….”

Me:  “You’re saying that the car accident that was your wife’s fault happened when she wasn’t even in the vehicle.”

Old man boss:  “Maybe.  I’m running out of ice to add to my drink.  I like to add my own cubes to make it last longer.  Are you using the ice in your glass?”

Me:  “They’re kind of surrounded by liquid right now… nevermind, all yours.  Hand me a spoon.”

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Back at the office

Old man boss:  (walks in with a plastic grocery bag)  “I’ve brought you gifts!”

Me:  “That’s nice of you.  What do you have there?”

Old man boss:  (drops the bag on my desk) “I don’t want my ice cream, so I cleaned out the freezer and thought you might like it.”

Me:  (opening bag and removing pints of ice cream)  “Thanks, sir.  Since I am lactose intolerant, I see it as a personal kindness that you ate some out of each container before giving them to me.”

Old man boss:  “That’s right.  What’s lactose intolerant mean?”

Me:  “It means I’m unable to speak French.  This is a very nice gift, but the office is still open for another five hours and we don’t have a freezer here.  Can you take it back home for a little while or give it to someone with a freezer?”

Old man boss:  “Nope, can’t do that.  I’ve got important work to do today.”

Me:  “And what’s that?”

Old man boss:  “I’ve got to go home and put up Christmas lights.”

Me:  “At home.”

Old man boss:  “Yep.”

Me:  “Where there’s a freezer.”

Old man boss:  “Yep.”

Me:  “And you can’t take these with you for a little while?”

Old man boss:  “Nope.”

Me:  “Fine.  We’ve got straws here.”

How Not To Rent An Apartment Over The Phone

Me:  “What day can you look at apartments?”

Woman:  “I’m separated from my husband.”

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Man:  “I hope it’s not an issue that I’m being evicted.  I pay on time, I don’t know why this guy is kicking me out…”

Me:  “Actually, that is a problem because-”

Man:  “Fuck you.”

Me:  “I think I just figured out why you’re being evicted.”

——————————————————————-

Me:  “Which address are you interested in?”

Man:  “Ah, fuck, what was it again?”

——————————————————————-

Me:  “How many people is the apartment for?”

Man:  “Two people.   And a kid.”

Me:  “That’s three people.”

Man:  “Um, yeah, I guess so.”

————————————————————-

Me:  “You can see the apartment tomorrow at either 10:00 or 3:30.  Which time can you do?”

Woman:  “10:30.”

Me:  “No, the choices are 10:00 or 3:30.  Do you want to do the 10:00 appointment?”

Woman:  “Ok, that is good.”

Me:  “Ok, we’ll meet you there at 10:00 tomorrow.”

Woman:  “So at 10:30, we’ll meet at the apartment or at your office?”

Me:  “The appointment is at 10:00 at the apartment.”

Woman:  “Ok, I’ll call if anything changes, but otherwise I’ll see you tomorrow at 10:30.”

Me:  “NO, not 10:30, at 10:00.  The appointment is at 10:00.”

Woman:  “10:00?  I don’t think I can do that.”

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Man:  “I have no references.  Why do you need references?”

Me:  “We need to talk to someone who can verify that you will take care of the apartment and be respectful of the other tenants.”

Man:  “Well, you and all the other landlords in town are doing a good job at keeping people homeless.  I hope you enjoy your wonderful, money filled life.”

———————————————————————–

Me:  “When do you need to move?”

Man:  “I got stabbed four years ago and am now blind.”

Me:  “Ok then…. so when do you need to move?”

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Man:  “Is it a problem that I’m a felon?”

Me:  “Yes, that is a problem.  A felony conviction will disqualify you.”

Man:  “Oh.  You know, my girlfriend might not be a felon… hold on…”  (holds phone away from his mouth as he yells to his girlfriend)  “Hey, Amanda!  Hey!  Yeah, are you a felon?  No?  Ok…..”  (speaks into phone again)  “Hey, are you still there?”

Me:  “Yes, yes I am.”

Man:  “Turns out my girlfriend isn’t a felon, so she’s going to fill out the application.”

Me:  “Sorry, sir, but I cannot allow that.  You already told me the apartment is for both of you and I cannot allow you to live there.”

Man:  “No, you can’t do that.  She will get her own apartment at your place and I’ll get an apartment somewhere else.”

Me:  “No.  You started this call with the intention of living together and now, minutes later, you want two separate apartments.  This sudden change makes me suspicious, so no, I will not allow her to apply because you will most likely end up living there with her.”

Man:  “That’s discrimination.  You can’t discriminate against me for being a felon.”

Me:  “Actually, I can.”

Man:  “No, you’re discriminating.  I have rights, too, and you have to take my application.”

Me:  “Not true, and I have to go now.”

Man:  “Yeah, you can go fuck yourself.”

Me:  “Congratulations on such an original insult, sir.  Have a nice day.”