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The Company Heirs

Boss lady:  “Is anyone else having a problem with their email?  I can’t get to mine.”

Me:  (having received an alert that Boss lady had changed her password) “Did you put in your new password?”

Boss lady:  “Oh, I didn’t realize that I needed to use the new password here if I changed it at home… do you know what I changed it to?”


Sometimes bankers walk into the office to hob knob.  I walked into the room while three visiting bankers were around the desk of the owner’s grandson.

Banker:  “I did some business with the original owner several years ago.  Are either of you related to him?”

Owner’s grandson:  “…..uh, no.”

Me:  “I’m not, but he is.  The owner is your grandfather.”

Owner’s grandson:  “Oh, yeah.  That’s right.”


Grandson:  “I finally figured out why the reports are wrong.  You messed up this check last month.”

Me:  “That was written during my vacation week.”

Evolution of a Company

As the old man boss has slipped deeper into Alzheimer’s, his actions have become less humorous and more sad or dangerous.  Think fire, attempted strangulation, feeding cats Diet Coke and hamburger rolls… yeah.

Luckily for the internet, his daughter and grandson both work in the office…and holy shit.  If these are the future owners, I need to get a new job.


Boss lady (on phone):  “Oh, hi.  I’m going to be in a little late.  While getting my coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts, I realized I was wearing two different boots.  I need to run back home and get two of the same color.”


Office boy (looking at a rolodex card):  “Uh… I need to call this tenant B-…. Bally?  Belly?  How do I pronounce this name?”

Me:  “Who?  Where does this person live?”

Office boy:  “Apartment #1.”

Me:  “Billie.  How is it spelled on that card?”

Office boy:  “B-I-L-L-I-E, but it can’t be Billie.  She’s a girl.”

Me:  “Billie is also a girl’s name.  Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson’s lover.”

Office boy:  “Oh.  I’ve never heard of it as a girl before.”


Me to Office boy:  “I need you to write a notice to everyone at the building on Key Street about the laundry room being closed.  Do you have everything you need for that?”

Office boy:  “Yeah…oh, my keyboard drawer feels weird.  Oh look, peanut butter crackers!”

Office boy rips open a package of crackers and munches intensely for a solid two minutes.

Me:  “So… you are going to do that notice today, right?”

Office boy:  “What notice?”


Proof reading for the Office boy

“There’s no T in the word Congress.”

“There’s an L in Realty.”

“There’s no 4 anywhere in March 10, 2015.”

“Do you know it hasn’t been 2013 for a while?”

“Your name is misspelled at the bottom.”

“‘Tenants’ has an ‘a’ in it.”

“That’s not where the ‘a’ goes.”


Me to Boss Lady:  “I was thinking that we should put some of the company cash into savings accounts that have higher interest rates than our current ones do.”

Boss Lady:  “Um, ok… (a look of sudden concern comes over her face) – but what happens if the interest rate goes up?”

Me:  “We make more money….”

Boss Lady:  “Oh, that’s ok then.

Learning from the Elderly

Old man boss’s wife:  “It has been lovely weather lately.  Isn’t it beautiful outside?”

Me (looking through the office window):  “Yep, it sure does LOOK nice.”

Wife:  “Oh, that’s right, you have to be in there all day.  That’s good, though.  It is why all nuns have gorgeous skin, because they stay out of the sun all the time.”

Me:  “Um, yes.  That does make me feel better to know that I have a lot in common with nuns.”

****************************************************************

Old man boss:  “Me and my wifey got married in a church over fifty years ago.  Did I ever tell you about that?”

Me:  “A little bit.”

Old man boss:  “We got married, and then I wanted to go back to the hotel, but she said no, let’s go to a restaurant.”

Me:  “Ok, she was probably hungry.”

Old man boss:  “And so we ate, and then I wanted to go back to the hotel, and she said no, let’s go shopping.”

Me:  “Ok…”

Old man boss:  “Then we’re shopping, and I’m all like, ‘Let’s go back to the hotel!’, but then she wants to go for a walk.”

Me:  “Why do I feel like this story is rapidly going to an awkward place for me to hear about?”

Old man boss:  “FINALLY, during the walk, she says we can go back to the hotel.  I’m all ‘Yay!’, and then we get there and get between the sheets, and it didn’t work.”

Me:  “And there it is.”

Old man boss:  “So we get up and putter around a little bit, then a few hours later it worked.”

Me:  “Well, at least the story has a happy ending.”

Old man boss:  “These days, you don’t have to wait to get married.  You’ve probably already-”

Me:  “Oops, I’m late to make very important business calls.  I MUST DO THAT RIGHT NOW.”

Old man boss:  “Alrighty.”

********************************************************

Old man boss:  “Our friend Betsy is going to buy my red car.”

Me:  “Yep, I heard about that.”

Old man boss:  “She was married for a long time, like me and my wifey, but then he died a few years ago.”

Me:  “That’s too bad.  It’s nice that she has you guys for friends to lean on.”

Old man boss:  “Now she has a new boyfriend.  They’ve been boyfriend-girlfriend for a couple of months.”

Me:  “Good for her. ”

Old man boss:  “She waited a long time before letting him kiss her, but now they’ve had sex three times.”  (holds up three fingers)

Me:  “…..”

Old man boss:  “Oh, have I already told you that?”

Me:  “No, no, this is the stunned silence of hearing about your friend’s sex life for the first time.  Next time, I’ll be better prepared.”

Old man boss:  “Ok.”

The Old Man Boss on a Busy Sidewalk

Old man boss:  “Isn’t it a nice day out here?  That reminds me… you know my daughter?  Not the one who works here, but the crazy one?  What’s her name again?”

Me:  “Well, there’s a loaded question hidden in there.  You’re talking about Sherry.”

Old man boss:  “Yeah, that’s the one.  She’s upset because some kids have been throwing bricks at her car.  Can you sue them for her?  That sounds like fun to me.  Won’t that be a good time?”

Me:  “No.”

Old man boss:  “Yeah, that’s it, find a lawyer and go after them.  She said she called the cops but they didn’t do anything.”

Me:  “Let’s be honest.  We’ve all wanted to throw bricks at her or her car at some point in time.”

Old man boss:  “True, true, she drives me and her mother bananas, but…. STOP SWEARING AT ME!”

A group of young women passing us on the sidewalk all turn and glare at me.

Me:  “….um, what the crap was that?!  I wasn’t swearing at you!”

Old man boss:  (giggling)  “I know, but now they think you were.”

Family Love

Old man boss:  “Hiiii!  It’s me!  So, the reason that I’m calling is that it is my daughter’s birthday and she won’t get off my back about it.  What I need you to do is write out a check and drop it off to her today.”

Me:  “Ok… you just want me to hand her a check?  Do you want it in a birthday card?”

Old man boss:  “Oh yeah, that’s a good idea.  Find a nice card and write ‘Happy Birthday’ and then sign it “Love, Dave and Jill”

Me:  “You want me to sign your daughter’s birthday card with your names.”

Old man boss:  “Write ‘LOVE’ and then sign our names.”

Me:  “Ok… here’s one from the cards we keep here.  It says, ‘Wishing you the most sincere best on your special day.’  Then I will write ‘Happy Birthday’ and then forge your names underneath.”

Old man boss:  “Perfect.”

Me:  “You’re sure about that?”

Old man boss:  “Wait, wait wait wait… have you signed my name yet?”

Me:  “No.”

Old man boss:  “I had a thought.  Maybe you should sign it ‘Love, Mom and Dad.'”

Me:  “Yeah, forging your signature as ‘Mom and Dad’ does seem more sincere.”

Meatballs

Old man boss: “My wife wants me to pick up four meatballs on the way home.”

Me: “What?  Where are you supposed to pick up four meatballs?”

“Aaaa…. emmm…. what’s that place called?  The pizza place that’s everywhere?”

“Amato’s?”

“No, that’s not it.  What’s it called?  aaaammmm…. aaaallll…. ooommmmaaaa….?”

“Where is it located?  Do you know which street it’s on?”

“It’s a local chain pizza place, they’re all over town and around.”

“Amato’s?”

“Yeah, that’s it.”

Payroll day

Between non-stop phone calls and people walking into my office, I got the payroll checks done this morning.  The boss’s daughter gets a bonus on the first payroll of every month that could pay my rent for six months, a company-paid hybrid SUV, cell phones with data plans for her whole family, gas check, holiday bonus, children’s college tuition paid by daddy… pretty much any corporate perk you can think of, she gets it.  At the same time, she has unmeasured paid time off and will announce in the morning that she is leaving early on any given day.  There’s a bank branch two blocks away from us, but she will take the deposits I prepare to the one several miles away and then not come back for a few hours.  This happens almost every day.  Meanwhile, the guys who work through lunch, clean up blocked sewage pipes, shovel up strewn trash, and haul refrigerators up four flights of stairs make a fraction of her pay.  And yet, when she decides that the company did not make enough money last month, the cuts must be made on the maintenance payroll, because she sees no extravagance in her $850 a month company leased vehicle.

Did I mention that she has a house on an island with two kitchens and a boat?  And the guys making $10 an hour are the big expense…