The Company Heirs

Boss lady:  “Is anyone else having a problem with their email?  I can’t get to mine.”

Me:  (having received an alert that Boss lady had changed her password) “Did you put in your new password?”

Boss lady:  “Oh, I didn’t realize that I needed to use the new password here if I changed it at home… do you know what I changed it to?”


Sometimes bankers walk into the office to hob knob.  I walked into the room while three visiting bankers were around the desk of the owner’s grandson.

Banker:  “I did some business with the original owner several years ago.  Are either of you related to him?”

Owner’s grandson:  “…..uh, no.”

Me:  “I’m not, but he is.  The owner is your grandfather.”

Owner’s grandson:  “Oh, yeah.  That’s right.”


Grandson:  “I finally figured out why the reports are wrong.  You messed up this check last month.”

Me:  “That was written during my vacation week.”

Evolution of a Company

As the old man boss has slipped deeper into Alzheimer’s, his actions have become less humorous and more sad or dangerous.  Think fire, attempted strangulation, feeding cats Diet Coke and hamburger rolls… yeah.

Luckily for the internet, his daughter and grandson both work in the office…and holy shit.  If these are the future owners, I need to get a new job.


Boss lady (on phone):  “Oh, hi.  I’m going to be in a little late.  While getting my coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts, I realized I was wearing two different boots.  I need to run back home and get two of the same color.”


Office boy (looking at a rolodex card):  “Uh… I need to call this tenant B-…. Bally?  Belly?  How do I pronounce this name?”

Me:  “Who?  Where does this person live?”

Office boy:  “Apartment #1.”

Me:  “Billie.  How is it spelled on that card?”

Office boy:  “B-I-L-L-I-E, but it can’t be Billie.  She’s a girl.”

Me:  “Billie is also a girl’s name.  Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson’s lover.”

Office boy:  “Oh.  I’ve never heard of it as a girl before.”


Me to Office boy:  “I need you to write a notice to everyone at the building on Key Street about the laundry room being closed.  Do you have everything you need for that?”

Office boy:  “Yeah…oh, my keyboard drawer feels weird.  Oh look, peanut butter crackers!”

Office boy rips open a package of crackers and munches intensely for a solid two minutes.

Me:  “So… you are going to do that notice today, right?”

Office boy:  “What notice?”


Proof reading for the Office boy

“There’s no T in the word Congress.”

“There’s an L in Realty.”

“There’s no 4 anywhere in March 10, 2015.”

“Do you know it hasn’t been 2013 for a while?”

“Your name is misspelled at the bottom.”

“‘Tenants’ has an ‘a’ in it.”

“That’s not where the ‘a’ goes.”


Me to Boss Lady:  “I was thinking that we should put some of the company cash into savings accounts that have higher interest rates than our current ones do.”

Boss Lady:  “Um, ok… (a look of sudden concern comes over her face) – but what happens if the interest rate goes up?”

Me:  “We make more money….”

Boss Lady:  “Oh, that’s ok then.

Learning from the Elderly

Old man boss’s wife:  “It has been lovely weather lately.  Isn’t it beautiful outside?”

Me (looking through the office window):  “Yep, it sure does LOOK nice.”

Wife:  “Oh, that’s right, you have to be in there all day.  That’s good, though.  It is why all nuns have gorgeous skin, because they stay out of the sun all the time.”

Me:  “Um, yes.  That does make me feel better to know that I have a lot in common with nuns.”

****************************************************************

Old man boss:  “Me and my wifey got married in a church over fifty years ago.  Did I ever tell you about that?”

Me:  “A little bit.”

Old man boss:  “We got married, and then I wanted to go back to the hotel, but she said no, let’s go to a restaurant.”

Me:  “Ok, she was probably hungry.”

Old man boss:  “And so we ate, and then I wanted to go back to the hotel, and she said no, let’s go shopping.”

Me:  “Ok…”

Old man boss:  “Then we’re shopping, and I’m all like, ‘Let’s go back to the hotel!’, but then she wants to go for a walk.”

Me:  “Why do I feel like this story is rapidly going to an awkward place for me to hear about?”

Old man boss:  “FINALLY, during the walk, she says we can go back to the hotel.  I’m all ‘Yay!’, and then we get there and get between the sheets, and it didn’t work.”

Me:  “And there it is.”

Old man boss:  “So we get up and putter around a little bit, then a few hours later it worked.”

Me:  “Well, at least the story has a happy ending.”

Old man boss:  “These days, you don’t have to wait to get married.  You’ve probably already-”

Me:  “Oops, I’m late to make very important business calls.  I MUST DO THAT RIGHT NOW.”

Old man boss:  “Alrighty.”

********************************************************

Old man boss:  “Our friend Betsy is going to buy my red car.”

Me:  “Yep, I heard about that.”

Old man boss:  “She was married for a long time, like me and my wifey, but then he died a few years ago.”

Me:  “That’s too bad.  It’s nice that she has you guys for friends to lean on.”

Old man boss:  “Now she has a new boyfriend.  They’ve been boyfriend-girlfriend for a couple of months.”

Me:  “Good for her. ”

Old man boss:  “She waited a long time before letting him kiss her, but now they’ve had sex three times.”  (holds up three fingers)

Me:  “…..”

Old man boss:  “Oh, have I already told you that?”

Me:  “No, no, this is the stunned silence of hearing about your friend’s sex life for the first time.  Next time, I’ll be better prepared.”

Old man boss:  “Ok.”

Crisis

Boss lady walks into the office….

Me:  “Welcome back from your walk.  What’s up?  No crises out there?”

Boss lady (eyes huge):  “I did find a crisis.  The gate to the dumpster at the Wall Street building won’t open.”

Me:  “I’m not sure that fits the definition of crisis.  Not good, but crisis seems a bit overdone.”

Boss lady:  “It IS a crisis.  People won’t be able to throw their trash away.  I’m calling maintenance before trash starts building up at the door.”

Boss lady on maintenance radio:  “Hi, Carl?  The trash gate door won’t open at Wall Street.  I pushed with both hands and couldn’t get it to budge at all.  Can you go up there right away and fix it?”

Carl on radio:  “Yep, can do, but I can tell you right now that it won’t open no matter how many hands you use to push it since it is a pull door.”

Boss lady on radio:  “….. Oh…. um…. it may be all set then.  Thanks.”

The Old Man Boss on a Busy Sidewalk

Old man boss:  “Isn’t it a nice day out here?  That reminds me… you know my daughter?  Not the one who works here, but the crazy one?  What’s her name again?”

Me:  “Well, there’s a loaded question hidden in there.  You’re talking about Sherry.”

Old man boss:  “Yeah, that’s the one.  She’s upset because some kids have been throwing bricks at her car.  Can you sue them for her?  That sounds like fun to me.  Won’t that be a good time?”

Me:  “No.”

Old man boss:  “Yeah, that’s it, find a lawyer and go after them.  She said she called the cops but they didn’t do anything.”

Me:  “Let’s be honest.  We’ve all wanted to throw bricks at her or her car at some point in time.”

Old man boss:  “True, true, she drives me and her mother bananas, but…. STOP SWEARING AT ME!”

A group of young women passing us on the sidewalk all turn and glare at me.

Me:  “….um, what the crap was that?!  I wasn’t swearing at you!”

Old man boss:  (giggling)  “I know, but now they think you were.”

And people wonder why I am going crazy

Caller:  “I can’t find the building.  What does it look like?”

Me:  “It is a red brick building with green doors.”

Caller:  “Is it the yellow house?”

*****************

Me:  “Do you have any landlord references?”

Caller:  “What is that?”

Me:  “Can you get a reference from someone you’ve rented an apartment from before?”

Caller:  “No.”

Me:  “How about an employer reference?”

Caller:  “What is that?”

Me:  “A job reference… Have you ever had a job?”

Caller:  “Um… not that I know of?”

Me:  “I don’t think I can help you.”

*************************

Me:  “How many people will the apartment be for?”

Caller:  “One, as far as I know.”

Me:  “Oh… are you calling on the behalf of someone else?”

Caller:  “No.”

********************

Caller:  “I’m calling you back with my old landlord’s phone number…. here it is….555-555-987.”

Me:  “That’s not enough numbers.  Can you read it again?”

Caller:  “Oh.. 555-555-987…  I guess I’m missing a digit.  Let me call her and find out what it is.”

Calls that aren’t meant for me

Me:  “Hello, Northeast Rentals.”

Woman on phone:  “Hello?  Is this U.S. Cellular?”

Me:  “No, it is not.  You must have the wrong number.”

Caller:  “Oh, sorry about that.”

Me:  “That’s ok.  Have a nice day.   Bye.”

(Three seconds later.)

Me:  “Hello, Northeast Rentals.”

Same woman on phone:  “Is this U.S. Cellular?”

Me:  “No…. This is still Northeast Rentals.”

Woman:  “Is this 555-4430?”

Me:  “Yes, it is, but we’re not U.S. Cellular.  You must have the wrong number.”

Woman:  “Oh, sorry.  Thank you.”

(A minute later)

Me:  “Hello, Northeast Rentals.”

Same woman:  “I called 411 and they said this is the number for U.S. Cellular.  Is this U.S. Cellular?”

Me:  “No ma’m, this is not U.S. Cellular.  You still have the wrong number.”

Woman:  “Then why did 411 give me this number?!”

Me:  “I can’t answer that question.  All I can say is that we’ve had this number since before the existence of cell phones.  If 411 gave you this number, they were mistaken.”

Woman:  “Are you sure?”

Me:  “….”

Woman:  “I’m calling 411 back.”

Me:  “Yes, that is a good idea.”

(I then also called 411.  Although similar, I verified that my number and the local U.S. Cellular store phone were not the same.)

**********************

Me:  “Hello, Northeast Rentals.”

Caller:  “I’d like to request a prayer.”

Me:  “…. What?”

Caller:  “I’m calling in a prayer request.”

Me:  “Umm… this is an apartment rental company.  I think you misdialed.”

Caller:  “I’m sorry… the church newsletter has this number printed for the prayer hotline.”

**Turns out a church actually DID print my office number in that week’s newsletter.  Only one parishioner called all week.**

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